A   B I R T H   S T O R Y

Courage: to speak ones mind with all ones heart.

Three weeks postpartum and I’m finally able to reflect on my labor experience; not because of any sort of trauma, simply because this little being has completely captured my minutes and stolen my heart. Today, I share my birth story on my own birthday; I have been reborn as I have become a mother. 

On Wednesday February 7th 2018, I gave birth to a little man, Thomas Wilson Cox, at 10:55am. This was just around 6 short hours after my water broke! I believe I had minimal signs of “early labor” the night before, following a prenatal yoga class. I will begin my story there...

An empowering hour with twenty other women all carrying new little starseeds into the world was a great send off into motherhood. On the drive home I had some discomfort in my low abdomen which I accounted for with thoughts like “oh my pants are too tight” or “I just need to pee when I get home.” But after returning home, changing clothes, using the restroom, and sitting down to binge something on Hulu, I noticed “umm, no.. those are like period cramps!”

I quickly texted my doula to ask if I should prepare for anything and she told me that those cramps could last for days before anything actually happened. So I continued watching tv, with a delicious bowl of ice cream, and played around with my contraction timer app just to get the hang of how it worked. The cramps were about ten minutes apart and lasting 30 seconds - just for reference, there’s a “rule” to follow for labor that says they have to be every five minutes and lasting one full minute to be considered “in active labor” while also maintaining this pace for at least one hour. So, I wasn’t really even close yet. 

I went to bed sometime between 12am and 1am waking ever hour or so, then with a bathroom run at 4:30am, I stood up after the toilet and had my water break!! I texted my doula, sister in law, and both of our parents, with an additional phone call to my mom closer to 5am. At this point, I was filled with pure excitement and couldn’t feel any physical changes or contractions right away; I knew that things would and could continue for up to 24hrs after that point so I decided I was just going to go back to bed to get sleep before the big event. 

After laying in bed for a total of five minutes, I got a SERIOUS contraction that made me spontaneously shout, followed by another within minutes. I told Danny I was going to get in the shower because this was wayyyyy more intense than I imagined it would be for being so early in labor. I think he responded?? He was pretty out of it and pretty much still sleeping. 

So into the shower I went, not knowing it would be the longest shower of my life! The contractions started rolling in and I immediately started releasing primal labor sounds just to cope with the intensity. Every time I caught my break between the waves, I had to build up the courage to keep moving and get back out of the shower. Twenty five minutes later and I finally get out and immediately resorted to a hands and knees position over a bunch of towels on the floor. I reached for my phone to pull up my contraction timer and after ten/fifteen more minutes of intensity and visibly reading how close the waves were, I texted my doula once again to tell her “I think I’m in active labor” with a screenshot from my app. 

Shortly after, I felt the urge to vomit and had to grasp the toilet. Vommitting created blood to be released from the birth canal and that created slight panic - I had read enough about labor to know that the vomit for sure, and possibly the blood (??), comes near transition, which is MUCH closer to the END of labor. Here I am, in my bathroom, and thinking am I possibly close to transition!? WHAT!? 

At this point I yelled for Danny to come help me and told him he had to call the labor and delivery number for the birth center to tell them we’re on our way. Leah called right at this time (approximately 6:20am, about an hour after that first big contraction) and listened on speaker phone to me labor for a bit; she decided she needed to leave her house immediately and should meet us at the birth center but I told her I didn’t think I could make it without her. I really needed her help to even just get up off the floor because honestly, I didn’t know what to do at that point besides ride the waves of contractions. She could tell I was wayyyyy further along than she had any idea, after all it was so quick!! Two hours hadn’t even passed since my water broke. 

Danny began getting things in the car for our ride and even put the dogs in the car to possibly take them to the kennel - I laugh at this now as I realize that was NEVER going to happen! The dogs ended up getting left at the house all day with no idea on how things would end up - whoops!! The best laid plans don’t mean much when labor and birth are happening to you. 

Leah arrived by 7:00am and began coaching me a bit, encouraging me to stay low with my sounds and breathe.. but I was starting to get the urge to push and my sounds became strained as I was attempting to hold and block that urge because it wasn’t time! With Leah’s experience, I think she could tell that those sounds were indicating my urges for pushing and she sprung into action with Danny to tell him - we have to go now! And she also included that we need to possibly discuss what hospital is closest because the 30-45 minute drive to the birth center with San Diego rush hour traffic at 7am wasn’t looking promising. They checked the traffic on their phones and it looked relatively clear, otherwise Leah even mentioned dialing 911. 

She gently started to encourage me to get up and move because we HAD to leave - after hearing that a hospital or EMT’s might happen, I was inspired to finally resign from hands and knees on my bathroom floor and rise!! Leah asked what I wanted to wear to walk out of the house and as I think about this now, I laugh!! I’m naked, covered in blood, and a baby is trying to escape my body - I can’t function to think of what to wear!!! Danny grabbed my oversized fluffy robe from the back of the bathroom door and draped it over me and in the moment, that. seemed. GREAT! Let’s get out the door and endure this car ride! 

We make it down the stairs and through our garage while I’m waddling, naked, and robe wide open to the car. The back door was open and she had Danny set it up with pillows and towels so I could ride on my hands and knees. I climb in to the car and with Thomas’s car seat as a bench for my arms and upper body, my knees on the back seat, I endured a 45 minute car ride to Tree of Life Birth Center. I used the pillow to muffle my labor sounds and had to squeeze Leah’s hand through every contraction. I hope her hand is ok, to be honest - because if there was ever a time that I may have had super human strength and could crush bones - it was in that moment.

We make it to the birth center and I live out one last contraction in the backseat in the parking lot and I quickly (probably not that quick to be honest) climb out of the seat and start the walk into the birth center. I knew another wave was coming and all I could think was “dammit, the concrete is cold and wet from the sprinklers and I’m not wearing shoes, this one’s gonna suck standing on this cold pavement.” Because THAT is logical in that moment... Little Leah stood in front of me like an Amazon women (really, she’s like the cutest, petite person but in that moment she was a rock solid pillar for me to grip and bear down on). You may be wondering where Danny is at in all of this - he was being the best pack horse and worker bee ever and making sure we got there safely and all the supplies were carried into the room. In the moment, I was oblivious to him but I was kind of in a different world... 

The cliché is true: there is a different place your mind has to travel to when enduring child labor. I still don’t know where I went or how I got there or how I found my way back, but it was around this time that I disappeared into the labyrinth. The time on the earth clock was approximately 8:30am. Arriving into the birthing room was a whirlwind and I was going in and out to the realities and conversations happening around me. I remember having to lie on my back in the bed at first so that they could check my cervix for dilation - with a swipe of the midwife’s hand she announced I was at a ten. My literal thought was: “yeah, no shit!”

The birth team, two midwives Hannah and Leslie, began to prepare the birthing tub and encouraged me to get up and use the bathroom to relieve my bladder before I started to really push. I drifted back into reality long enough to tell them through my chattering teeth, “sure, but can I have hot steamed towels on my feet first?” That cold concrete did me in, I was absolutely FREEZING - typical. 

I climbed into the birthing tub and still resorted to my hands and knees while gripping the sides of the porcelain through my contractions. This is where I found the tipping point of pushing - I finally allowed my body to open as I finally felt safe and secure with the labor team and knew that we could get this baby out the way I envisioned. ie: not in our bathroom or my car. I changed positions at some point to my back and allowed my body to float weightlessly and quit challenging gravity for a bit, but I didn’t enjoy the lack of control. I didn’t feel powerful or strong, I felt too vulnerable on my back and I needed to grip the earth while I was bringing this child earth side. 

I announced that I needed out of the tub but with no idea how I was going to keep up the labor and what position I needed to be in. Of course, I resorted to my hands and knees on the bed for a brief moment but I was so physically weak at this point that I started to wimper out of frustration and confusion. The team quickly realized we needed to make an adjustment and suggested that I lay on my side and prop my head with pillows and place the “peanut ball” labor ball in between my legs. What a wonderful tool!! I was soooo excited to REST!! Ironically, this is about when I REALLY started to push and experience the “ring of fire” as Thomas was beginning to crown. 

During a couple of my drifts back to reality as I started to come back to my body right before Thomas came out, I was able to compliment my midwife’s wrist watch she was wearing (my fashion sense didn’t elude me in labor), I asked for Danny to come to me and hold my hand (FINALLY, right!? More on that later!), I was asked if I wanted to touch Thomas’s head and definitely did NOT want to do that (yet looking and playing with the placenta afterwards was AWESOME!). 

The amount of motivation, strength, and determination that accompanied the pushing required to get him out was absolutely exhilarating. I haven’t felt that rush of adrenaline in a very long time. Recalling that feeling has me inspired to seek out more activities that induce that “high.” In fact, the whole journey of labor gave me back a sense of vitality that I believe has been absent for the last couple years. I’m looking forward to exploring my physical abilities and limits now that I have my body back to myself! Stay tuned.. 

Back to the “ring of fire” moments! On my side, with one midwife ready to catch Thomas and the other supporting my upper leg, and Danny’s hand in my left and Leah’s hand in my right, I began to bear down and send every vibration and energetic pulse to Thomas. Knowing I was going to meet my son within minutes was enough to dissolve any amount of pain I was feeling, and having Danny at my side was even more inspiring as I knew he would be meeting his son too! It was like giving and receiving the best gift, all at the same time. 

First, Thomas’s head made its way out and the team gleefully cheered me on and told me just one more push and his shoulders and whole self would follow. He and my body worked as one to turn his shoulders and after one last push and labor cry, out he slid! They immediately placed him on my chest and into my arms and I got to kiss him through my hot and happy tears. Danny moved to my other side and I got to look up at him as I held Thomas; I might have seen at least one tear from him too. 

The words to describe this moment kind of evade me, to be honest. Again with the clichés, but going through labor and experiencing birth is so unique, incredibly sacred, and extremely transformative, especially in those last seconds of the experience. For those who have birthed - you know what I mean. I know there will never be another feeling in my life like there was the day Thomas was born. Even if there is another starlight born into our family, it will choose its own unique experience with how to come into this world, and nothing will be like Thomas. 

I know that I didn’t entirely lean into my partnership with Danny through this experience, but I didn’t really lean into anyone around me. I felt bad and slightly upset with myself for not connecting more with Danny through my labor. It wasn’t until afterwards that I even realized how much I had shut everyone out. There just wasn’t room in my brain for anything other than being completely present with the contractions and just getting through the labyrinth. Speaking to my midwives, doula, and Danny afterwards though: they all said I was a rockstar and a warrior and I didn’t need help, I had it handled like I’d done it a 100 times. THAT was surprising to hear as I felt so many things contrary to that statement. Writing this story has helped me process a lot of the emotions that came with the experience. It was important to try to re-live those hours and completely digest and release all the feelings that came and went so quickly. 

The afterward to the birth is a bit of a blur too - the immediate and even most of the last three weeks - but for an entirely different reason. Things happen so quickly and there is a total sleep deprivation to function through; again, the clichés, am I right? Not to mention, my three week old child changes by the hour, I swear to the Gods! I will mention that having a birth center experience allowed for such a beautiful post-birth atmosphere. We were helped genuinely as if it was family taking care of us, and we were left in privacy to melt together as a pack for a few hours. We were also home in our own bed within seven hours of delivery - total amazingness as we were allowed to surrender to sleep and comfort after such an intense morning. 

So there it was, a birth story. One of millions. I hope that my sharing can bring joy and fond memory recall to those who have birthed and I hope it gives insight and hope to those who will birth sooner or later. This new path is a beautiful one filled with challenges everyday, but there’s no other path I would rather be on. Check back periodically for updates on motherhood!